Christmas Party No-No's

iPHONE
The iPhone with camera is a wonderful invention. Hardly any moment goes unrecorded for posterity. And there’s the problem. No flashing your bits and no sending your other half snaps of your great night out — or your great night out could be circulated round the world before your great night’s out.

DIRTY DANCING
Be endlessly aware that your colleague from two desks down is not and never will be John Travolta or Olivia Newton-John. Trying to recreate THAT scene from Grease is more likely to leave you looking like Aunt Mavis’s dog with the embarrassing leg obsession.

FALSE FRIENDS
Beware false friends wearing fake tan. If Amy from Admin wanted your job this morning, rest assured she still wants it while she’s dragging you on to the dance floor and telling you how hilarious it would be if you did a strip tease in front of your boss. Do not be fooled.

THE RUMOUR MILL
No matter what happened last night, enter the office with your head held high. As we all know, anyone who’s never made a fool of themselves at the office party is clearly boring and even if they’re gossiping about you now, you can always console yourself that it will be someone else’s turn soon enough.

I.T.
Avoid anyone from the “blind you with science” department. They are unavailable for the rest of the year when you want them, so why should they expect your undivided attention now?

LOO-SE TALK
The loo is the perfect location for a spot of gossip. But unless you want the entire office to know it was you who started the rumour Sheila was pregnant and Sam was the Father, when she’d just put on a bit of weight and Sam is ‘not that way inclined’, make sure you check who is in the cubicles before you start confiding. One ill-timed comment could leave you badly flushed.

X-RATED
If you want to stay out of the office gossip columns, try to avoid the completely scandalous. Anything that involves photocopiers or board room tables is probably a no-no.

OFF LIMITS
Avoid chatting up the boss, any of his or her relatives and anyone wearing a wedding ring. If you think you might forget the rules after a few drinks write the list on the palm of your hand and check it BEFORE you move in for the kill.

MOBILE PHONE NO-NO
It may suddenly become clear to you that, despite the fact they slept with your best friend and paid for their hotel room on your credit card, your ex is the only partner for you — but now is definitely not the time to tell them. If you still feel the same way in the morning make an appointment to see a counsellor. But whatever you do — DO NOT DRINK AND DIAL.

TAXIIIIIIIII!
Book a cab for a decent hour to rescue you before you’ve made a complete fool of yourself. Remember not to throw up on the back seat no matter how strong the pine air freshener. Remember your address. Remember your mobile, credit card and most importantly remember your HOUSEKEYS when you get out of the car. Remember to remember all this.

SLEEP
Do stay awake. Emerging from a pile of coats with one eyebrow shaved and “KISS ME” scrawled in eyeliner across your forehead or shaved into your hair is NOT cool.